if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
new year update: losing everything but weight
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*