Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.