Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!