I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
There’s never enough good news
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.