I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
He took my last fry, your honor
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me in tagged photos
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.