I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
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Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.