I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
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*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Terribly Tuesday.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
*cough*
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE