@bingowings14: I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that's my story & I'm sticking to it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheTweetOfGod: The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.
@Sickayduh: "911, what's your emerg-" "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell" "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-" "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"
@sixfootcandy: (first date) Me: *hyperventilating* Him: Don't be nervous. Take a deep breath. Me: Can't. I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.