I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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How about I get 100% off by already being there
WHO DID THIS?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.