I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.