Don’t make me out nice you.
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.