in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
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2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
real
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you