I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?