Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case