Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments