I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis