@jackmackenroth: I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"
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@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
@david8hughes: The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don't have garden hoses.
@jrza84: Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat