@jackmackenroth: I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"
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@swiftenhaal: I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
@audipenny: person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
@Chumpstring: I let people know that I'm no weirdo. I say "I'm no weirdo!" From that point forward, it's just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.