I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.