I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
You Might Also Like
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.