I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
You Might Also Like
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
this is uni