@myles_morrison: I start every argument off with "first of all..." like I'm really going to school them, but my second point is always just name calling.
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@amishschool: Guy stole my identity this week and I'm like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
@withanewname: [boarding plane with really old pilot] "think his heart will hold out? lol" attendent: excuse me, sir? "depart out, what time do we leave?"
@mamatomy3: My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.