If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
How wrong was this guy?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.