[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”