I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
You Might Also Like
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
sensitive skin
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.