I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
This probably isn’t good
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent