I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢