I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously