I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.