I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.