I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
beware of dog
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels