I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.