I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
How times have changed.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My dad.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.