I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
When someone says you are so lazy
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.