I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
You learn something every day
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.