I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he鈥檚 a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 馃敟
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 馃槍馃檹
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they鈥檙e carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can鈥檛 wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”