I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.