i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
*sewing*
A thread
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.