I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive