All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The days of good grammer has went
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.