Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Netflix and you sit over there.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Noah was an idiot.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.