Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
This is what makes twitter great
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Breaking news:
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.