Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.