@Dawn_M_: I stepped on two raccoons today, but I'm just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.
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@JoParkerBear: MOM: How are you doing? ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing! MOM: Really?! ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
@RoosterMustache: DATE: *gets in car* ME: hi *starts driving* DATE: how's it going? ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
@shadonium: Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*
@david8hughes: [soldier making lunch] Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]