@Dawn_M_: I stepped on two raccoons today, but I'm just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.
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@DoucheMcBaggus: When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I'm totally nailing his mom.
@SteveSuckington: Fun prank: 1. Steal your married friends phone 2. Change your name to 'Brandi from the club' 3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
@mauleePillar: My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.