I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Lmaoo 😂
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?