candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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Pretty much. 🤣
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Self-cleaning conscience
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead