i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
#TopTip
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My god she’s good.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?