i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista