I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
relationship goals
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason