@archerenemy: I still don't understand why people say marriage is so hard when I've successfully completed 2 of them...
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@ItsLaTourette: When you say '' friends with benefits'' I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
@simoncholland: [Car dealership] Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one? Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.