Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Breaking news:
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.