2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Owl Sanctuary
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand