I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
me when I see my crush
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
good for her
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”