I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water